Jokes

Jokes Jokes Jokes.

Stephen Hawking has pronounced that things sucked into a black hole do not totally disappear, but a 2 dimensional version of them is etched on the Event Horizon. Pepsi and Coke are currently bidding for the best spot.

Can’t wait to see the new movie in the Maze Runner series: “The Maze Runner: This Time There’s Cheese”.

Pretty excited that my Days Of The Week tube tops aren’t on our company wide “No” summer clothing list!

When preggos rub thier belly it’s adorable. when I do it, I get yelled at for eating the hoagie tray. with my pants off. at work.

The new Atlanta Hawks jerseys have a brand new design perfect to wear for being carried off the floor before microfracture surgery.

A hitchhiking robot met it’s demise in Philly. It ordered Swiss on a cheesesteak wearing a Mets hat.

McDonald’s is going to sell breakfast all day with Newports, TubeTops and Restraining Orders against your HS Tennis Coach with the hair lip.

Got an OkCupid msg asking if I would blow him while he was dressed as Luigi. Insulting! I got standards! Mario or Bust!

Red Foxes have been spotted all over a Ocean City, NJ. Residents are wary to approach for fear that THIS MIGHT BE THE BIG ONE, ELIZABETH!

Obama chooses Chicago’s South Side for his Presidential Library. All Cubs fans immediately register Republican.

Verizon bought AOL yesterday for billions. It would have happened sooner, but someone kept picking up the phone & knocking the connection off.

Chris Christie spent $82k on concessions at NFL Games. $80k of it was itemized as “Extra Cheese”.

Over 100 people were involved in a beach brawl in Massachusetts. Your move, Wildwood, NJ.

The Founder of Weight Watchers passed away at 91, which is sad. Sadder tho, she had 17 points left over she was saving for Pizza Party Friday.

Reds manager Bryan Price says ‘F’ word 77 times in rant at media. Sometimes you just need Fruit Rollups.

Gwyenth Paltrow lived off $29 in food stamps for a week. She found them refreshing, low cal and delicious with a twist of lime.

Greece wants Germany to pay millions of Euros for WW2 Reparations. That is equal to 8 pounds of Greek back hair.

Scientists restart the Large Hadron Collider. Flash still keeps crashing in it’s Internet Explorer windows.

You can tell the Septa Spring Rats are out by their jaunty straw hats and pep in their step.

New Buicks come with built in Wifi and a built in grandkid to show you how to use it.

The Phillies are having a Jewish Heritage Night, giving away a Phillies Mezuzah. When you leave it says “That Jew is OUTTA HEEEERE!”.

Pope Francis says all dogs can go to Heaven. Dogs polled said “we prefer to just keep licking ourselves, thanks.”.

The Erin Express is out in UCity. It’ll be a busy Monday morning in the antacid, hand sanitizer & Plan B aisles in the UPenn Rite Aids.

Linda Perry welcomed a baby boy today with wife Sarah Gilbert. Perry said the hardest part was passsing the giant Seuss hat.

After the Oscars, J.K Simmons is going to burn a swastika on the ass of the Oscar trophy.

Snowstorm Pandora is expected to hit this weekend. It’ll bring more shitty snowy & icy weather but also a nice butterfly charm for everyone.

Two people dead and 7 sick at Ronald Reagan Hospital in California. Trickle down antibiotics just aren’t working.

NJ Gov. passes bill so New Jersey kids can go to school anywhere they want. White residents who moved from Philly say “Is Delaware nice?”.

The Las Vegas Little League Parade will be from 4:15 to 4:20 tomorrow, when all thier moms get a break from the Pole.

I could not be more excited for the “Pope Frank: Bikinis Optional Tour” this summer.

The Doomsday Clock has been pushed forward by 2 minutes. Now maybe Doomsday will arrive on time by thinking it’s early.

11 balls SuperBowl Sunday were under inflated. Says footballs “We were tired! It was a long day! We swear this never happens! Just give us a sec”.

There was so much black smoke coming out of the chimney at Richmond school that the search continues for a new Pope of the Art Supply Closet

A dog took the bus by himself in Seattle. Like there aren’t enough people pooping on the floor of busses.

Another Local 401 Union Boss testified against head Joseph Doc. The giant inflatable rat was seen to have a tiny tear in his eye.

There is now a pill that adds an “imaginary meal” to aid weight loss. “Try the blueberry pie!” Says inventor W. Wonka

Delaware’s new slogan is “Small Wonder”, mostly because it’s home to small girl robots who live in cabinets.

My biggest question is how Chris Christie flew to Dallas because the Postal Service Cargo planes are off on Sundays.

The U.S. Mint is making First Lady coins. It’ll be the closest Bill Clinton will get Hilary to his zipper in years.

Iggy Azalea and Azealia Banks have some kind of rap problem with each other. “You both just need some sun & pruning” says local florists.

Bing Crosby has an episode dedicated to him on American Masters. “I am very interested in his techniques” says Adrian Peterson.

Got super excited today when I heard about Grindr. Turns out, it is NOT a sandwich version of GrubHub.

A red corvette drove into the Delaware River. Prince was said to be sad and his statement was “baby, you’re much too fast”.

Septa will use its new payment system on the EL. To cover all riders, it’ll take RFID credit cards, use smartphone apps & 10s of Percocet.

Scientists found a spider the size of a small dog in the jungle & called it Bird Eater. It’s also the name of the hooker at F & Allegheny.

Chris Christie says he would rather die then serve in the Senate. Said French fries “We are working as hard as we can!”.

The man who invented the Jheri Curl died. Services will be held at the McDowell’s in Queens.

The Blood Moon will be out tonite, but not for long if the Crip Moon has any say about it.

A 4 year old in Delaware took heroin to school and passed it out. Chaos ensued until they realized it was peanut-free.

UPenn was voted #1 party school in the country. I’m sure someone’s dad wrote a check for it.

You can take a cheesesteak tour via Segway here in Philly. Finally, a tour my cardiologist can get behind.

A man was arrested for beating his aunt with a hammer. In her defense, she was dressed like an Italian plumber.

The State of PA released an Educational app that Gov. Corbett called “Pennsylvania Learns (except you, Philly, go fuck yourself)”.

Lehigh ranked higher then Penn State on the party school rankings. That Sandusky thing hit all facets of Happy Valley.

Archaeologists found a bowl believed to be owned by Pericles. It had written on the side “Ancient World’s Greatest Dad”.

Turns out Mormons in Utah are cool with the gay marriage thing if they marry lots of them.

Suggestion for a new Wawa hoagie: ham, cheese, bacon, extra extra mayo, tears.

A cook at a Waffle House shot a customer at the counter. NO SUBSTITUTIONS MEANS NO SUBSTITUTIONS!

Reports of a person with a weapon at Philly Community College. Turns out it was just a pencil and no one recognized it.

Donald Sterling broke his silence to Anderson Cooper saying “I’m not a racist, but please don’t touch me, I don’t like dudes”.

A man froze his mother and collected her retirement checks. They found her in a container marked “Pot Roast and Mom”.

 

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